Sexologist and author Sonia Encinas has shed light on the complex relationship between motherhood and sexuality, arguing that the two are not mutually exclusive. In her recent work, The Sex Life of Mothers, she examines the myriad changes that new mothers and couples face after the arrival of a child. Encinas highlights how factors such as mental load, co-parenting dynamics, and societal stereotypes can significantly impact the sexual lives of mothers.
Encinas notes that the arrival of a child often transforms a woman’s sexuality. She explains, “The first thing that happens with new motherhood is that sexuality transforms, just as it does at different stages of life.” This transformation often clashes with societal expectations, which tend to view sexuality as a static concept primarily within a couple. Encinas emphasizes that sexuality is fundamentally personal and that conditions for sharing it may fluctuate based on individual circumstances.
The dynamics between partners also play a critical role in this phase. If a partner fails to engage in co-parenting, the mother can become overwhelmed, leading to a strained relationship and diminished sexual desire. Encinas states, “How can I feel like having sex if I feel let down?” Conversely, when partners actively support each other, the decline in interest often correlates with hormonal changes and fatigue, which are typically temporary.
Understanding Guilt and Desire in New Mothers
The decline in sexual desire among new mothers is common and frequently accompanied by feelings of guilt. Encinas suggests that understanding the physiological changes during the postnatal period is essential for overcoming these feelings. She explains that these changes serve two main purposes: facilitating a strong bond between the mother and child and preventing immediate subsequent pregnancies, allowing the mother to focus her energy on her newborn.
Encinas challenges the cultural belief that a woman’s worth is tied to her ability to satisfy her partner’s desires. This mindset limits women’s views of sexuality and creates unnecessary guilt when they prioritize their child. “We’ve internalized sex as part of that ‘pact’,” she says, highlighting the need for a broader understanding of sexual identity that does not hinge solely on relational dynamics.
The stigma surrounding discussions of mothers’ sexual lives often results in a lack of acknowledgment of their experiences. Encinas points out, “There’s a perception that if a woman is not having sex, she is not sexual. And this is completely false.” Many women fear that admitting to changes in their sexual lives could signal trouble in their relationships, yet this often stems from a narrow definition of what sexuality entails.
The Benefits of Sexual Activity During Pregnancy
Encinas also addresses misconceptions surrounding sexual activity during pregnancy. Contrary to popular belief, she notes that sexual engagement—whether alone or with a partner—can be beneficial for both the mother and the baby. The release of endorphins and oxytocin during sexual activity contributes positively to fetal development.
She adds that it is crucial to redefine what sex means, moving beyond the traditional notion of intercourse to include other forms of intimacy. “Where there is desire and pleasure, there are only benefits,” Encinas asserts, encouraging women to explore their sexual interests without fear.
Encinas underscores that societal structures significantly influence personal experiences. She states, “We live lives that leave us exhausted with responsibilities and demands, with very little space for rest, peace, leisure and enjoyment.” This overwhelming state can stifle sexual desire, making it essential for couples to cultivate a balanced life that allows for intimacy and connection.
Sonia Encinas continues to advocate for a broader understanding of motherhood and sexuality, inviting both mothers and their partners to engage in open discussions about their experiences. As she emphasizes, the responsibility to navigate these changes should not fall solely on mothers; it requires mutual effort and understanding from both partners.
